Sentence problems 7--subject and verb distance

Remember what I said about the passive voice changing the expected order of the typical English sentence? You get the same poor result--confusion and frustration--when you separate the subject from the verb by long, intervening phrases. Often, the sentence will be easier to read and more forceful if you keep the subject and verb close together and add the modifying phrases afterward.

Poor: The trial brief in the Hampton Industries litigation, though it exceeded the court's page limitation by eight pages and was full of incorrect citations, long footnotes, and grammar errors--including a sentence fragment--was filed on time.

(Notice the distance between the subject, brief, and the verb, was.)

Better: Counsel filed the Hampton Industries trial brief on time, though it exceeded the court's page limitation by eight pages and was full of incorrect citations, long footnotes, and grammar errors--including a sentence fragment.

Poor: At the closing, the buyer, who, despite his relative ignorance of the risks was set to become the successor-in-interest to the seller, Raytan Company, and every other prior owner of the property, whether known or unknown, disclosed or undisclosed, was still not represented by counsel.

Better: At the closing, the buyer was still not represented by counsel. He was not represented by counsel even though he was relatively ignorant of the risks. He was not represented by counsel even though he was set to become the successor-in-interest to the seller, Raytan Company, and every other prior owner of the property, whether known or unknown, disclosed or undisclosed.

--Excerpted from Better Legal Writing